Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.