@mostly_cheese

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

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@perlhack

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

@hippieswordfish

FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what

@rockymomax

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

@Mike_Eagle

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

@RunOldMan

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

@NurseSeymour

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@CooIStepDad

“Son it’s time we had the talk”

“Cmon dad I know about se..”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

“What?”

“It was an inside job”

@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@blade_funner

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.