Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
You Might Also Like
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“Son it’s time we had the talk”
“Cmon dad I know about se..”
“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
“It was an inside job”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”
— Polite vampires.