OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
The news
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁