Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
This kid is going places
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical