Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Interior design 👌

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.