Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

dude it’s called proctologist

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!