Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside