Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
You Might Also Like
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile