Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
sometimes i miss this memes
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.