officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
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my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton