Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Roses are red, you always mattered,

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.