Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”