Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Talk about a bad egg
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!