Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

what is cheese if not milk persevering

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?