Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.