Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
LMAO.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
inventing words: clothing
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”