Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip