Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.