Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

hand it over!

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*