I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
The booster protects against what, now?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
The days of good grammer has went
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.