This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I鈥檓 mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we鈥檒l probably eventually evolve to fly.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it鈥檚 easier.
*gets text from Mom* It鈥檚 your mother. Call me.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.