Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”