Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
There’s only one good girl here!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing