Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
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China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)