OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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this is literally a CIA plant
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I love it all
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*