OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Ferrari squats
