Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

my first day as a raccoon

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not