“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.