“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.