“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”


Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?


“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”


[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first


Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.


Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet


Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda


Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”


Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.