@bridger_w

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

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@warbird622

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

@withanewname

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

@iYoungKhalifa

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

@JayaNaJaye

Told my mom about my past relationship and then told her not to tell my dad. She told my dad and then told him not to tell me. My dad called me and told me that he knows and told me not to tell my mom. So basically 3 of us know but can’t tell each other.

@1Bad_Scientist

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

@karanbirtinna

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

@DurtMcHurtt

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.