Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
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jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”