Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
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The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?