Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
This made me smile…
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be