Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.