Oh boy, $150,000!
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*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I think I’m having a stroke
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.