Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents