I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.
– Horton Has to Poo
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If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.