@KateWhineHall
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
@UncleDuke1969
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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@KateWhineHall
@jjhartinger
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
@heatherlou_
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
@vineyille
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
@TheHyyyype
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
@aka_fatman
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
@tastefactory
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
@Smooheed
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
@cbdoubleu
[Gets arrested]
Officer: You get one phone call…
*hangs up a few minutes later.
Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.
@ObscureGent
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.