Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.


War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.


My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.


[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true


ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real


“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”



*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”


I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*


Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…


[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.


If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.