@UncleDuke1969

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

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@KateWhineHall

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@heatherlou_

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

@vineyille

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

@TheHyyyype

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

@aka_fatman

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

@tastefactory

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

@Smooheed

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

@cbdoubleu

[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

@ObscureGent

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.