“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably