Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶