“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.