Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Previously On Persistence 😎
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.