OH. COME. ON.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
pat pat
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder