OH. COME. ON.
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
my professor scared me for a second
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Just organising my finances.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.