OH. COME. ON.
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Haikus are silly.
Why seventeen syllables?
Why not one less?
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
When you put it that way… 😂
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am