OH. COME. ON.
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged