OH. COME. ON.
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
There’s never enough good news
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.