Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

Who’s your best friend?

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.