oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
happy mother’s day❤️
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.