oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
house sitting!
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.