oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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Food gives you energy to nap more.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”