Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not