Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”