“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Can’t stop laughing
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
