Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions