Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
trivia
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.