Oh deer
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Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
The 6 types of sex
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.