Oh deer
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NASA has no chill
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season