“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
You Might Also Like
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
making sure he doesnt get away
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair