Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough