Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes