Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
You Might Also Like
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD