oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*