oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
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10. He is a cat.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?