Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.