Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

sounds kinky. i’m in.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

lumberjacks will cut a birch

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

“Worm Regards”

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE