Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*