“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I try
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
The dark side of Canada
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?