Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This made me chuckle.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

the three genders

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

ㅤ

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Things will get butter, keep churning

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT