“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
incredible book dedication
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
gender is a sprctrum
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.