“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer